Sack Magic

That old Sack magic has me in its spell,

That old Sack magic that you weave so well

Those icy fingers up and down my spine

That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine

jarmont tagged me.  I don't think I have to tell any of you that he took his life into his own hands when he did so.  He knows this and that is why I am agreeing to respond.  That Jon is one ballsy Sackfan.

Here you go jarmont...

Ground Rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 weird habits as well, and state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their xanga and tell them to read yours.

Five Weird Habits, by Jack the Sack...

5.  I use a full can of Aquanet every day on my stunning mullet.  My hair doubles as a helmet so that I am always ready to sack the living daylights out of anyone.

4.  Whenever I eat BBQ at Billy Bob's Pig and Pork I always order an extra six pack of pulled pork sandwiches and set them across the booth from me in hopes that one day Bertha will once again join me for a magical evening of pork and love.

3.  I compulsively dance everytime I hear organ grinder music.

2.  Two words: Random Customer Disconnects

1.  Sacking my enemies with all the fury of a thousand white hot suns.

Hi, my name is L Jack Sackard and this is my wife, L Bertha Sackard and we have some exciting, dynamic and life changing news for you today. 

• Do you feel like your life isn’t headed in the right direction?
  
• Do you feel powerless to affect change in your life?
  
• Do you see others enjoying “The Good Life” and wonder, why not me?
  
• Do you feel weak and inept?
  
• Do you wonder why nothing great ever happens to you?
  
• Do you simply exist from one day to the next instead of living every moment?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then read on.  Actually, please read on even if you answered no to all the questions because chances are you are simply in denial. 

I have unlocked the power to change your life from the inside out.  Through many years of toil I have unearthed the secret of successful living and I offer it to you today.  Just think, I hold the answers to all of life’s greatest questions.  Nothing could be more important than this!  Nothing should get in your way of living the life you’ve always dreamed of.  I give you….

Sackanetics!

Live the life of your dreams!  Live the life other people dream about.  Sackanetics - Unleashing the Fury of a Thousand White Hot Suns can be yours today, for 8 easy payments of $39.99!

But wait, there’s more!

For a limited time only, not only will you receive Sackanetics, -Unleashing the Fury of a Thousand White Hot Suns, but if you call now I will also send you the deluxe VacueCut the amazing home hair cutting system. 

You can learn the mysteries of the universe and the key to happiness health and wealth while easily maintaining your fashionable single length hair style.  L Bertha has been using this system for many years now and she loves it!  Get your own L Bertha cut today!

But wait, there’s more!

If you call right this minute not only will you receive Sackenetics – Unleashing the Fury of a Thousand White Hot Suns, and VacueCut, the amazing home hair cutting system, but I will also throw in the Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler! 

Folks, you’ve got to own one of these bad boys.  You don’t even have to remove the egg from its shell to cook delicious heart healthy scrambled eggs.  A lot of people are talking about cholesterol these days.  Well L Jack Sackard doesn't believe in empty talk, I believe in action!  I use my Inside the Shell Egg Scrambler three times a day to make sure I’m getting triple my daily dose of cholesterol.  And you can do it too! 

Now I know most of you are scrambling for your telephones right now, and I can appreciate that, after all these free products really are exciting, but lets not forget what is most important.  You have the power within you to change your life.  Within every individual is the fury of a thousand white hot suns.  Can you imagine it?  Can you?  Learn how to unleash that fury in your life through my book.  Learn how to change your world.  Learn the power and the majesty of the almighty Sack.  Hold it in your hands, feel it's warmth and it's strength.  Unleash the fury in your life today.  Call now!  Operators and standing by.

1-900-SACKANETICS    1-900-SACKANETICS    1-900-SACKANETICS

"NIGHTMARE AT 2000 FEET"

Portrait of a frightened man:

Mr. Robert Wilson, thirty-seven, husband, father, and salesman on sick leave.  Mr. Wilson has just been discharged from Shady Acres Mental Health Spa and Resort where he spent the last six months recovering from a nervous breakdown, the onset of which took place on an evening not dissimilar to this one, on an airliner very much like the one in which Mr. Wilson is about to be flown home - the difference being that, on that evening half a year ago, Mr. Wilson's flight was terminated by the onslaught of his mental breakdown.  Tonight he's traveling all the way to his appointed destination which, contrary to Mr. Wilson's plans, happens to be in the darkest corner of the Twilight Sack."

Shortly after take off, Mr. Wilson sees a hideous gremlin standing on the wing on his side of the plane.  As Mr. Wilson gazes out his window the creature looks him dead in the eye.  Mr. Wilson turns away in fear only to turn back to the window to see the beast inches from him with nothing but the window between himself and that gruesome face.

Mr. Wilson turns away in horror and rushes to speak with the nearest fight attendant.  “There is a gremlin on the wing of the plane!  There is a furry gremlin out there!  You must tell the captain to return to the airport immediately!”  Knowing that Mr. Wilson is returning from the sanitarium, the fight attendant directs Mr. Wilson back to his seat and attempts to calm him down.  She offers him a super-sized gin and tonic and closes the curtain to his window.  Mr. Wilson sipps the 44 ounce cocktail and tries to convince himself that he just imagined the creature.  It would have worked.  He would have drunk himself into a blind stupor if the curtain had been completely shut.  But the flight attendant left a half inch opening in the curtain through which Mr. Wilson saw the creature tearing at the wing.

 Seeing that the creature is about to destroy the plane, Mr. Wilson takes a sleeping Air Marshall's gun, opens a hatch and empties the gun into the creature.  The creature is hit and is swept off the wing.  Mr. Wilson is taken off the plane in a straitjacket, convinced he saved the plane.

"The flight of Mr. Robert Wilson has ended now, a flight not only from point A to point B, but also from the fear of recurring mental breakdown.  Mr. Wilson has that fear no longer, though, for the moment, he is, as he has said, alone in this assurance.  Happily, his conviction will not remain isolated too much longer, for tangible manifestation is very often left as evidence of trespass, even from so intangible a quarter as the Twilight Sack."

Hey there Sack fans, I know it has been a while since I rapped at ya, but the Sack has been real busy disconnecting paying customers.  I don't have much time but I wanted to leave you with a little something to help you start your weekend. 

In honor of Mullet Friday I present to you...IRON SACK!!!